Saturday, 04 July 2009

• one step closer to freedom

  
  They say bitterness, angry unresolved hurt are like chains holding us back.
  Limiting us.

  Trust me I've tried to let go of the past. But somehow all I've been left with has been indifference. A numbness that conceals something that keeps on draining me.

  The other day though out of the blue somebody confirmed what I've felt all these years.
  That my family never really let me in. They never really bonded to me.

  All the years of provoking them, testing them. Maybe I didn't want them to start carinfg for me, to be there for me, to listen to me. Maybe all I wanted them to do was to admit that they didn't care, never had. Not because of how and who I am, they wouldn't have cared no matter how or whom I'd been.

  And for once, it didn't hurt me to hear they never developed any true family ties to me. It didn't irk me, it didn't infuriate me the way it has done all these years.

  It was such a relief.
  They say truth shall make you free, don't they?

  I guess true freedom only comes from forgiving.
  And I will forgive them, eventually. First I need to forgive myself though.

  I'm like a flower, placed in a crack of asphalt. A flower that was forced to grow deprived from sunlight and only drops of water. I'm not as strong or as pretty or as big ast the flowers that grew up in the meadow where sun and shade took turns making the days pass.
  

   

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